Dealing with bereavement
When someone close dies it can be a very sad and painful experience for the child. When the death occurs as a result of a traumatic event, the child may show signs of both trauma and grief. This is sometimes described as childhood traumatic grief.
In both ‘normal’ grief and childhood traumatic grief, common responses include:
- Numbness, disbelief and confusion.
- Anger with the person that has died or those considered to be responsible for the death.
- Guilty feelings for being alive.
- Fear of dying or losing a parent.
- Strong physical reactions and extreme reactions to separation.
Children experiencing normal grief usually want to talk about the person who died and do things to remember the person, and perhaps draw comfort from thinking about the person and spend time remembering happy moments.
In time, they usually experience the stages common to ‘normal’ bereavement., Though described in terms of stages to go through, it is not unusual for people to take different routes through the ‘stages’ of grief, or to revisit some of them.
The stages of grief
- Acceptance of reality and the permanence of death.
- Experience and cope with a wide range of feelings about the person who died, for example, sadness, anger, guilt and appreciation.
- Adjust to changes in their lives and their identity that result from the death.
- Develop new relationships or strengthen existing relationships with family and friends.
- Build new relationships and engage in positive activities.
- Maintain a continuing, appropriate attachment to the person who died through reminiscing, remembering and memorialisation (preserving their memory).
- Find meaning in the death, this may include coming to an understanding of why the person died.
- Continue through the normal developmental stages of childhood and adolescence.
Traumatic grief
For children experiencing traumatic grief, thinking or talking about the person who died often leads to thoughts of the traumatic manner of their death. For this reason, these children often try to avoid thinking or talking about the person who died and avoid facing the frightening feelings associated with these reminders. This prevents them from completing the stages of normal bereavement mentioned above.
A small number of grieving children develop reactions or symptoms that make it difficult to cope with everyday life, some of these signs include intrusive memories about death, avoidance and numbing, emotional and physical reactions.
Intrusive memories
Nightmares, guilt or self-blame about the person who died, recurrent or disturbing thoughts about the terrible way someone died.
Avoidance and numbing
Withdrawal, acting as if not upset, avoiding reminders of the person, the way they died, or the things that led up to their death.
Physical and emotion
Irritability, anger, trouble sleeping, decreased concentration, lowered academic performance, untypical physical ailments such as stomach aches, headaches, hypervigilance, fears about safety for oneself or others.
What you can do to help
- Be informed about the ways in which children and young people respond to death.
- Remember that not all children or young people will develop childhood traumatic grief.
- Pay attention to any expressions of grief or absence of this and be prepared to talk.
- Childhood traumatic grief can have many different symptoms which may develop soon after the death but may not appear until a year or several years later.
- Provide opportunities for children to talk about their worries and concerns.
- Understand that anger or out of character behaviours may be part of a child or young person’s reaction to the traumatic loss.
- Be aware that children take cues from the adults around them. They will find comfort by observing how adults manage difficult reactions and model effective ways of coping.
- Be prepared, as the child gets older to revisit the loss, as they find out more, develop more questions and have new experiences, particularly during puberty.
- As parent or carer of a bereaved child it is highly likely that you share the bereavement and therefore it is important that while you are supporting the child you are being supported as well.
- Seek support or professional help if you are concerned that a child’s reactions are interfering with everyday life.