H’s experience
What impact did the traumatic incident have on you?
‘The weeks following the Manchester attack I was in a state of shock. Looking back, it seems my body was on auto-pilot in that my brain carried on functioning without me being able to process anything. Just two weeks after I thought I should go to the One Love concert Ariana had organised, although I was petrified and distraught the whole time. After the incident I didn’t want to leave my house, I only felt safe in the company of my mum and I stopped my normal routine. At first, talking about it didn’t affect me as much as it does now because it was a topic of conversation and people were still hearing about it in the news.
The point where I started to suffer most was when it was forgotten by the media and subsequently the people around me. It felt like I had to be over what happened too and it became more and more difficult to talk about. Because people had stopped asking me about what happened, my thoughts began to bottle up inside of me which gave me horrendous anxiety and flashbacks.
I began to think I was crazy because I hadn’t gotten over it yet when everyone else had to seemed to. Just before the anniversary, my mum found me in my bed crying and I explained to her how I was feeling and that I never feel safe anymore, that I’m always on edge. And so my mum got me the help I needed and I’m still currently trying to cope with the intrusive thoughts I get multiple times a day. On the other hand, the experience also benefited me in a weird sort of way. I had been in a life or death situation and it made me realise so much about life; that it’s too short and precious.
Soon after the event I got myself out of a relationship I was unhappy in and went to university to study something I was passionate about. I have finished my first year there now and despite what I went through, I live every day like it could be the last. This means, even when I felt scared, I made myself do the things I wanted to do like go to clubs and busy cities and of course none of those things are easy after experiencing what I did, but it feels rewarding to know they haven’t scared me from living my life.’
What kind of things helped?
‘No matter how I’m feeling, being in the company of animals always helps. I often go to see my horses for hours by myself and just distract myself from real life worries. Animals are the best listeners. Their innocence and love makes me feel safe and unharmed; where my horses are is a place where I never feel unsafe and I can fully unwind. Also, riding them helps me as I have to fully concentrate and the intrusive thoughts are momentarily blocked, and so I think just physical activity in general is a good distraction.
Since I can remember, Ariana Grande has been my favourite person ever and so I felt the attack was slightly more personal to me. Before the event, people saw her as a ponytail that can sing high notes but to me, she is an inspiration and I follow everything she does and believes in. Her reaction to the event actually helped me because she was strong and brave and so I wanted to be too. Everything she’s done to support those affected has inspired me to also help and be strong for them as well as her.
She has recently spoken about how she’s coping with what happened and the things she said reassured me to know that I don’t have to be over it yet either and that its okay to feel the way I do, because she feels the same. Similarly, watching documentaries of people talking about it helped because there were girls my age, maybe even younger, who would say word for word how I feel and I think just knowing I’m not alone in thinking the things I do really helps me cope with my thoughts.
I know it seems cliché, but talking also helps. I’ve always been one to bottle up my emotions until they explode all at once and it feels like the world has come crashing down. Being in an experience like mine, it felt like talking to family and friends wasn’t helping because it is not something they’ve experienced themselves and hearing them say “it’s okay” only helps short-term, it doesn’t fix what’s actually going on in your head. I would have never tried to get professional help myself because I felt embarrassed and quite frankly, mental.
Avoiding professional help meant I wasn’t crazy and I can cope. But unfortunately I allowed it to get to the point where I physically couldn’t cope anymore without some sort of support. I started to see Karen, who introduced me to EMDR treatment. At first, I was so desperate for help I was willing to give anything a go, but thought deep down it wouldn’t really do anything. I was quite wrong. The treatment made me unlock all these thoughts that I had compressed in my head and has actually eradicated thoughts such as “I could have done something” “I should’ve gone back” “it was my fault”.
The treatment isn’t over yet but my head feels so much lighter without these sorts of thoughts in it. I think also accepting the unfortunate fact that you’ll never forget what happened to you helps because I think sometimes I expected to just forget about the whole event, like I wasn’t there. But you can’t forget that sort of thing, what you can do is learn how to cope with the memory of it and the subsequent flashbacks you may have, and you can learn to cope with day to day life after the event, which is something I am still working on.’