Survivor guilt

What is survivor guilt?

Sometimes people who have survived a traumatic event experience feelings of guilt that they are living when others have been killed or maimed. It is not uncommon for these ‘survivors’ to ask questions ‘Why me and not them’ or ‘What did I do that I survived and they didn’t’. For some people who hold religious beliefs their experiences of trauma may raise difficult thoughts for them about their faith. 

I had feelings of guilt, I needed someone to talk to and I was feeling guilty for this because I wasn’t even hurt but there were lots of others that were.

A survivor of a bombing incident.

Situations where survivor guilt is commonly seen

• Most commonly survivor guilt occurs with large scale tragedies such as war and battle conflict, terrorist attacks, and major incidents such as the Grenfell Tower fire.
• If one person dies, for example, within a support group for those with cancer, people can often report a sense of ‘Why did they die and we are still here?’
• When someone dies by suicide some people report feeling guilty that they are still here and that ‘I should have done more’ for the person who ended their life.
• When one person survives a fatal car crash and others do not.
• When a child dies and a parent survives.

Common themes in survivor guilt

Guilt about ‘What I should have done’

Experiencing a sense of failure, being self-critical about your actions again can be a normal response given the extreme circumstances. Going over the event can be a means of trying to understand your experience and a way of trying to gain some sense of control. So don’t too be surprised if you are saying things like, ‘I didn’t do enough’, ‘I should have tried harder to save or rescue the other person or people’ or ‘I should have known they were struggling.’

Guilt about ‘What I did…’

People can feel guilt and shame about their decisions and reactions. For example, pushing someone out of the way to escape, of course it’s much easier when the person is no longer in the situation to think, ‘If only I hadn’t’.

Sometimes these things can be a coincidence that we attach more significance to, such as deciding not to go with friends on a trip and they then die in a crash. A well-known example of this is Waylon Jennings who was a guitarist In Buddy Holly’s Band. He had a seat on the ill-fated aircraft that crashed on February 3, 1959. But Jennings gave up his seat to another musician who was sick, JP Richardson. When Holly learned that Jennings was not going to fly, he said, ‘Well, I hope your ol’ bus freezes up.’ Jennings responded, ‘Well, I hope your ol’ plane crashes.’ This exchange of words, though made in jest at the time, haunted Jennings for the rest of his life.

Lisa French who survived the suicide attack on a London bus on 7th July 2005,in which 13 people were killed, emotionally recalled at the inquest,

‘I made the decision not to go and sit next to him (suicide bomber) because I was aware that we both had very big bags and that he, we, you know, would be taking up a lot of room.’ She chose to sit about four rows in front of him. She also stated at that time, ‘The man with the backpack took his backpack off his shoulder and held it like I was holding my laptop to squeeze past and that’s the reason I really noticed him because I can remember thinking, there’s one polite person boarding this bus.’

Guilt about ‘I wasn’t harmed…’

It is common for people to struggle with the knowledge that they survived and others did not or to feel that they are not worthy of survival. Additionally, as someone feels relief and appreciation for their survival, they often simultaneously feel guilt and shame for having those feelings when others did not survive. It can be easy to become engulfed by the question why, but it is important to try to avoid getting stuck on this question as there is unlikely ever to be a definitive answer. Some people find it helpful to move on from this question by focussing on the meaning they can create from their survival, whether it is big or small.

There are many things you can do that may help with survivor guilt.

Take care of yourself

If you have been through a traumatic experience it is important to take extra care of your physical health, for example by eating regular meals, taking regular exercise that is likely to help you sleep better. Taking care of your mental wellbeing is just as important. Be kind to yourself by recognising that your feelings are a common reaction to loss. Feeling glad to have survived a traumatic ordeal is a normal response and you can still feel genuine grief for those who were lost.

Take time so you can gradually learn what helps you cope with feelings

Sometimes it is easier to feel the guilt, as horrible as it is, than the terrible loss and desolation that grief can bring. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, recovering from these experiences is a journey that always takes time. Allowing yourself to mourn the loss of those who perished can be a big step in starting to accept what has happened. For those who are openly able to express their feelings this can bring a sense of release. Some may prefer to grieve more privately, writing down their thoughts, listening to music that reflects their mood can equally be of benefit. Coming together with others by attending a religious or community ceremony or creating your own remembrance activity can also help.

Remind yourself that in life luck is just a concept

It isn’t about there only being ‘so much luck to go around’. Sometimes, as a way of trying to cope with overwhelming experiences we look for explanations about why things happen to us and not others. The notion of luck is an example, the lottery is an illustration of arbitrary luck; sometimes no-one wins and sometimes lots of people share the same numbers. Our chances of winning are not influenced by what numbers someone else chooses. Of more significance, the survival of one person rather than another sadly is also arbitrary. This means there is a choice as to how you think about having survived. For example, ‘Why me, why did I survive’, or ‘Why NOT me’.

Make guilt a motivator to do something positive

Guilt can bring about as purposeful action if you choose to see it that way. If we put the energy into doing something else then it leaves less energy to invest in feeling guilty and this can help us move on. If we choose to take action that helps us feel more empowered, perhaps by being involved in a commemorative ceremony honouring those who were lost. It could be about raising awareness of suicide in young people or holding a fund raising event for those lost. Instead of focusing on what we regret, we can spend time enjoying what we have now, perhaps spending more time with family, and or friends and making sure that they know how much they mean to us.

Ask yourself were you in a position to control the outcome of the event

It is highly unlikely that any actions you may have considered would have influenced what happened. Any actions heroic or otherwise from survivors happens after the event has occurred. Despite this it is not uncommon for some survivors to feel overly responsible for things that they couldn’t possibly control no matter how prepared they were. Think of these responses as a coping strategy that can help you guard against feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that may otherwise immediately feel overwhelming.

How do your loved ones view your survival?

Sometimes when we are asking ‘Why me’ we can forget to think about how those around us feel. We can choose to think about how they feel about your having survived the disaster ordeal, and how relieved they most likely are. Sometimes there is sense of euphoria a feeling of being given the ‘gift of life’. If at first you feel you don’t deserve a ‘second chance’ at life, your loved ones probably think you do and this can help you recognise there is a purpose to your life.

Seek out other people for support

Share your feelings with family, friends and peers so they can support you. You may want to join a support group for others affected by what has happened.