Bereavement and loss

About bereavement and loss

Dealing with loss can be devastating and confusing; there is no right or wrong way to respond to a loss. How we react to loss depends on many factors including the type of loss, our previous experiences of loss, our personal circumstances, cultural background and religious beliefs, our age and personality, for example. Dealing with loss can be especially difficult when you or someone you know is also experiencing mental health difficulties. 

Types of loss

When people think of grief or loss they most immediately think of the loss of a loved one, however, there are many different experiences that bring about the same grief response. Some of these are listed below:

• Divorce or relationship breakup.
• Loss of health.
• Losing a job.
• Loss of financial stability.
• Miscarriage or stillbirth.
• Retirement.
• Death of a pet.
• Loss of a cherished dream.
• A loved one’s serious illness.
• Loss of a friendship.
• Loss of safety or security after a trauma.
• Selling the family home.

Coping with grief

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief.

Everyone grieves differently. Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried, and there is no ‘normal’ timetable for grieving. 

Common experiences of grief 

• Shock and disbelief.
• Sadness.
• Guilt.
• Anger.
• Fear.
• Physical symptoms. 

What can help?

Dealing with grief and loss can be a painful experience, but there are a number of things you can do to try to help yourself.

Firstly, remember that the process of grief is different for everyone and there is no set length of time that it will take to ‘feel better’ or feel like you are able to move on.

• Speak to people and accept help and support.
• Establish a routine, try and gradually restart the things you were doing before your loss.
• Keep active: exercise releases ‘feel good hormones’. Walking and running are great forms of exercise.
• Make contact with people and keep in touch with them. Connecting with other people can ease any feeling of isolation.
• Talking with someone you trust can be better than keeping things to yourself. 
• Use a diary to write down your feelings.
• Remember you are not alone. You could join a support group, or you could draw comfort from your faith.
• If you can, get some rest: sleep helps us to recharge and go again, it also helps us to come to terms with loss.
• Look after your physical health.

Young people and grief

Information and advice about how children and young people deal with grief with age range specific explanations, how to help and where to get further support.

The death of a loved one is a difficult and painful time for everyone. Supporting a young person through bereavement can be exhausting and confusing, and often parents and carers are coping with their own grief.

Grieving is a very individual process and there is no right or wrong way to experience it, everybody reacts to grief differently. For a young person, their reaction may be influenced by many different factors, for example, their age, their temperament, their coping skills and their relationship to the person who has died.

The effects of grief on young people

Grief affects everyone differently but many young people find that they experience a mixture of:

• Shock and disbelief, even if the death was expected.
• Numbness; sometimes they may not feel anything at all initially.
• Despair, depression and intense sadness.
• Guilt; this is a very common feeling after a bereavement. They may tell themselves that they could have done more, should have done something differently, they often have lots of thoughts that begin with ‘if only…’ when in fact there was nothing that could have been done to prevent the loss.
• Fear, anxiety and worry about how life will be now, what the future will look like and often fears about other people’s health and wellbeing.
• Anger is a common reaction after losing someone close; anger at the person for leaving, anger at the unfairness of the loved one being take away, anger at other people for still being alive when the loved one isn’t.

You might find that the young person:

• Finds it difficult to get out of bed.
• Has no motivation to go to school.
• May want to be alone and not mix with friends.
• Has difficulty concentrating on anything.
• Has difficulty getting to sleep or difficulty staying awake.
• Feels anxious and worried.
• Finds it difficult to accept that the person has died.
• Is preoccupied with thoughts of the loved one.
• Think that they see the person who has died.

Their reactions to the loss of a loved one, particularly in the first days and weeks following the loss, are likely to be overwhelming and intense, but usually over time these feelings become less intense and less overwhelming, allowing them to begin thinking about their own lives again.

Sometimes, as they start to gradually recover from their grief, they can begin to feel guilty about feeling better, it can make them feel that they are forgetting about their loved one or that they shouldn’t be happy or moving on. These are common feelings in the process of bereavement and it’s important that we reassure them that these are normal feelings that do not mean they have forgotten about their loved one.

How can I help?

• Talk to your child honestly about the death. Use language they will understand. Children may get confused with ambiguous statements that are used to describe death like ‘they have gone to sleep’ or ‘they are in another place’. Keeping language simple and direct helps to reduce confusion.
• Give lots of reassurance, support and information when they ask for it.
• Talk about the person who has died; encourage them to share their memories of their loved one.
• Make memory boxes or books together.
• Reassure them that it’s not their fault.
• Show them it’s ok to be upset and they don’t have to hide their feelings.
• Let them know it’s ok to laugh and have fun; often children feel guilty if they find something funny or are enjoying themselves. Reassure them that it’s ok and it doesn’t mean they have forgotten their loved one.
• Watch out for signs of depression and seek support from a GP if you’re concerned.
• Take care of yourself; it can be hard to help your child if you are grieving too. Make sure you have lots of support around you, such as family and friends. Support can also be sought from bereavement services.
• Let your child’s school know about the loss and discuss how to support the young person on their return.

Further support

As grieving is such a unique and individual experience, it’s not possible to say when it should ‘end’. Most children and families will be able to cope with the loss of a loved one with support and compassion from family and friends. The distress that a young person may feel following a loss can increase the worry of their parents’ and may lead them to consider professional help immediately following the death.

As grief is a normal reaction to a loss, most of the young person’s feelings and behaviours will gradually disappear over time. However if they persist, seem to be getting worse, or interfere with a young person’s day-to-day life, then they may require extra support to help them to move on.

Discussion with a GP, a school counsellor or local bereavement counselling service can all be helpful to ensure that the right support is in place to help you and your child through this difficult time.