Understanding Blame and Self-worth

Research has shown we have three types of emotion systems:

• We have one system that encompasses our threat defences and is characterised by anxiety and anger at one extreme and being relaxed and calm at the other.
• We have a second system that is motivated towards goals and pleasure and can provoke energising positive feelings such as enthusiasm and excitement.
• The third group of positive feelings relate to  safeness, contentment, security, connectedness and warmth. This emotion system is learnt from safe relationships and is the one most linked to resilience. It is better at helping us deal with anxiety, depression and stress but it also protects us from low self worth.

Affect regulation systems

Affect regulation systems refer to the mechanisms or processes that individuals use to manage and control their emotions. There are several types of affect regulation systems, each serving a unique purpose in helping individuals cope with different emotional experiences. 

The three broad categories are listed below:

• Cognitive Regulation: This involves how we think about and interpret our emotions. Cognitive regulation includes strategies such as reappraisal, where individuals reframe or reinterpret a situation to change its emotional impact. For example, seeing a challenging situation as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat can be a form of cognitive regulation.
• Behavioural Regulation: Behavioural regulation involves actions or behaviours that individuals engage in to influence their emotions. This can include activities such as exercise, engaging in hobbies, or seeking social support. These behaviours can have a direct impact on mood and can be effective ways to manage and regulate emotional experiences.
• Biological Regulation: Biological regulation involves the physiological processes that contribute to emotion regulation. This includes the role of neurotransmitters and hormones in the brain, as well as activities that affect the autonomic nervous system, such as deep breathing or meditation. Biological regulation plays a crucial role in maintaining emotional balance and responding to stress.

Emotional regulation

Understanding and using these different emotional regulation systems can contribute to emotional wellbeing and resilience. Individuals often employ a combination of these strategies depending on the context and the specific emotions they are dealing with in a given situation.

It is very common for people who have been hurt or neglected by others to have difficulties with affect regulation. It is hard to feel soothed, reach out to others or keep challenging emotions and impulses within manageable limits if this system is not ‘online’. It is also very common for people who have been abused in some way to blame themselves or feel ashamed of what happened. In this way, our own shame is in itself a trigger to threat reactions that can make us anxious or angry!

Internal shame, 'What I think of myself'. External shame, 'What others think of me'. Sometimes it is easier to say nothing.