What can help?
Productive approaches
- Children need reassurance that you care about them.
- Trust that their feelings will subside when they are ready.
- Allow worry, this is a natural response and children will need to express.
- Listen to what they say without judgement.
- Let them write or draw their feelings.
- Let them know that similar feelings can affect all children.
- Expect that their experiences will have an impact on their behaviour and be flexible when dealing with any challenges.
Less productive approaches
- Expect children to be brave or tough.
- Make children discuss the event before they are ready.
- Get angry if children show strong emotions.
- Be upset if they begin bed wetting or thumb sucking or act in a babyish way.
- Use time out as a consequence for ‘bad behaviour’.
Explaining to children
It can be really helpful to explain to the child that the responses they are experiencing are normal. How they are feeling and reacting may seem very foreign and strange to them, it may be completely out of character, and this in itself can be frightening and worrying. Acknowledging their reactions and accepting them as normal can help the child or young person to do this too. In most cases these responses are temporary and will ease with time. Do not be afraid to share your responses and feelings as this will also help them to realise that their reactions are normal.
It is advisable to limit exposure to the sights and sounds of the incident, especially on television and social media. News coverage can trigger fear, confusion, and anxiety in children especially for younger children. Repeatedly watching images of an event can lead them to believe the event is occurring again and again.
Talk
Listen and provide a safe space for the child to talk (if and when they want to), so that they don’t feel like they are on their own. Talking through what is happening can help to clarify misunderstandings but make sure not to overwhelm them with too much information. For example, some children may be confused about some of the facts. You can help avoid this by being clear and open.
Giving children information gradually can be beneficial, giving them the opportunity to come back with more questions. Older children will want, and be able to handle more information.
Show a willingness to talk about difficult things. If children are asking questions it is a good thing. It shows they trust you and it is better than ‘bottling up’ these worries which can sometimes lead to feelings spilling out at a later time. If you are not sure about how to respond or are worried about this then say to the child that you realise how important it is to discuss these things and that you are going to give it a lot of thought about how to respond to them. Remember this is an opportunity to reassure them.
Time
Give them your undivided attention when you can and show them tolerance. Children need to be free from any pressure to ‘get over it’ so they can make sense of their experiences. Encouraging them to be patient with themselves can also be beneficial.
Routine
Stick to your normal routines and daily activities, and encourage the child to do this too, with practical support if needed. Children tend to feel safer when life is predictable and when they know what to expect. So returning to school or college can help with this especially as the focus is on other things.
Keeping in touch with school or college to ensure that support is also there is a good idea. Identifying a named person in school who your child knows they can go to just in case is also helpful.
Encourage older children in particular to stay connected with other people (peers and trusted adults) and with positive activities rather than to withdraw socially.
Agree priorities and encourage the child to tackle tasks in small steps and let your child see you notice and are pleased with their achievements. This helps rebuild their confidence.
Try and plan some comforting and relaxing things for the child to do. Before the activity discuss ways about how to help them manage if they become upset and want to leave.
Health
Encourage the child to get some rest. Giving their body and mind a break can boost their ability to cope with stress.
Eat healthily. During times of stress, it is important that a balanced diet is maintained, and drink plenty of water. This is especially important if the young person’s appetite has significantly changed.
Continuing to get some exercise at school or college and returning to any physical activities can also be of immense benefit. This can aid sleep and help reduce feelings of stress.
Bereavement
If someone has died, explain what that means. By the time they are about five years old, children are able to understand that death is permanent and that the person who has died cannot come back. However, they may need help to reach this understanding, and younger children may not realise death is permanent and keep asking when the person is coming back. Explaining what happens when plants or pets die can be a useful way to start a conversation. There is more information on major incident related bereavement on the following page.
Support
Gather information about the support available and the resources that may be of help to the child. Use your support networks of family, friends and colleagues who will want to help and be proactive in using any other sources of support specifically created in the aftermath of a major incident.
As stated earlier, in most instances, children’s distress gradually subsides over time. This is generally as a result of the additional emotional and social support from family, friends, social networks such as other trusted adults and faith communities.
Video
The following YouTube video from BBC Stories describes some of the ways children have been supported following the Grenfell Tower fire.
Some things to think about
- How do you feel about talking to your child about these things?
Don’t worry about trying to get it just right. It’s okay to make mistakes, think of this as an opportunity for the child to learn that they don’t have to get it just right before talking to you.